Baby bump progress. How do you feel about it?
Baby bump progress. How do you feel about it?
Despite going through one of the most physically challenging parts of womanhood, body shaming still continues to be a thing both online and in person but luckily self-love always triumphs.
“Bump or bloat, who knows! Either way I feel blessed. 11 weeks today.”
“So excited to see my belly grow and find out the gender next month.”
“No bump yet but I can’t wait to have one!!”
“My bump doesn’t look perfect and it used to bug me because I never lost all of my baby fat but I’m over it now and I’m so happy.”
“My tummy is huge and it gets uncomfortable but I love rubbing it and talking to my baby.”
We grow up as young women idolising this perfectly curated image of what an ideal “female” should look like constantly comparing ourselves subconsciously and consciously. It impacts the clothes we buy, the makeup we wear, the way we stand and ultimately the side of us we allow the world to see. This image controls us in many ways. But when you are pregnant, this dormant system in you wakes up and kicks into action. It takes over and you start to evolve in ways completely out of your control. You can’t fight it, you have to surrender to the process and for some it might be the first time in their life that they’ve let go.
What’s size got to do with it?
Strangers, friends and family still commit the all-too-common practice of commenting on women's pregnant bodies, whether it's wanted or not. Even though most people mean well, seemingly harmless comments such as “You’re so small. Are you sure you’re eating enough?” and “OMG are you sure it’s not twins?” may trigger us to start to question if we are normal or not. The anonymity of commenting online can often lead to borderline abusive behaviour such as “You’re way too small. You’re starving your baby” and conversely “It’s super unhealthy how big you are”.
Again this is all about conforming to an ideal image and programmed expectations all the while forgetting that every pregnancy is unique. Having the right size bump has almost zero to do with the health or size of the baby. We’ve come so far to accept that it’s unacceptable to critique a women’s body when she’s not pregnant, but when she is pregnant it still seems fair game.
Luckily the self-love game is strong.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that most of the answers to this topic were overwhelmingly positive. It seemed like these woman had let go of their old selves and released their inner goddesses, embracing the physical changes like super powers emerging for the first time. Maybe some happy hormones were kicking in or they were connecting with the creation inside of them opening up their heart to more love than ever before, it didn’t matter. It was a beautiful thing to witness. I loved that they were overcoming the programming. Hopefully, just hopefully those that were suffering with bump shame and weren’t brave enough to contribute, saw this thread as a beacon of love and realized that scrolling through all the positive support and bump photos taught them that they are indeed just as beautiful and worthy of worship.
I didn’t start showing until about 24 weeks…
…or rather I couldn’t hide it anymore at 24 weeks. Up until then I had been very careful about my clothing choices as it was that awkward stage where you start to look pregnant but you could also be a bit “heavy” as well. Definitely not big enough for people to give up their seats for you on public transport unless you had your hands lovingly supporting your tummy. In fact I was on the train one evening in a seat reserved for pregnant women, those in wheelchairs and elderly and promptly got kicked out of it by a middle aged man who wanted my seat as his friend had reserved the one beside me. Sometimes it’s just not worth the fight.
I had tried to hide it for as long as possible. I felt shame with my growing body because every time I looked at it I was reminded of all the things I was grieving for. I did want to be proud of it and show it off but I just couldn’t allow myself. I wasn’t ready for all the conversations and surprised reactions from family and friends. Mostly I was scared of people seeing my baby bump for the first time then turning to my partner and expecting to see an excited reaction from him that would fail to be there.
Worst of all my partner was afraid of touching my baby bump and subconsciously I was trying to protect him as well by not making it obvious all the time, which contributed to my downwards spiral of sadness. I lost all hope of having a cute baby bump photo together with his arms hugging us both. Would he regret letting his childhood trauma stop him from having these once-in-a-lifetime moments? Probably but it’s not my lesson to experience. The more you push the further away from their awakening they become.
I was bump shaming myself.
I was comparing myself to celebrities and models showing off their bumps in bikinis and apart from applying stretch mark oil every morning and evening (out of pure vanity) I was completely disregarding this part of me. The shame became so much a part of me that as a consequence of it I wasn’t able to give love to my body and my baby. I avoided thinking about it and did not want to hold my consciousness in that physical space at all.
I knew it was a disaster waiting to happen. What I was feeling had consequences for my baby. If I kept this up we would have a traumatic birth and my child would have deep abandonment issues that would be difficult to unlearn.
The courageous heart.
As if by divine plan a Dr Joe Dispenza advanced week-long retreat was taking place and I had a ticket. I knew it would be a week where it defined the rest of my life, and it was. It was also more importantly a week that saved the both of us. We were guided in meditation for 6-8 hours each day and I had moments where my heart started to open. It was strange and painful at first because I had never felt it before but I knew I had to surrender to the unknown. A wave of deep consuming love flooded over me and in those brief moments of my heart opening it was like touching the divine. There was no time, no space, no body. Only love existed. Only love mattered. My walls came down and I forgave all of myself. Tears of bliss fell fast down my cheeks and love started to bloom for my baby as well as gratitude for the sacrifice and transformation my body was making.
Unsurprisingly, my baby bump grew a lot that week and I didn’t hide it anymore.
Amazing healing. Thanks for sharing.